Cha, Cha, CHA, CHANGES

February 2009.
Starting to feel really pukey. Mild fevers and nagging pain in lower abdomen. The doctor orders blood samples. A trained phlebotomist was required. They cannot use the subclavian catheter, that I wear continuously, because it might be infected. Plus the chemotherapy deteriorated my veins, and a regular nurse was completely unable to draw blood. When the results come back, I had another infection. The letters UTI Has been my nemesis. Rather than just start a new round of antibiotics, the doctors agree and give me a CAT Scan. Yes I know what that stands for (Computer Aided Tomography). Results, show; Stones in the kidneys. Antibiotics will not work! Stones may have been colonized by the bacteria. Recommended procedure: insert stint, large enough to pass the stones, into lower right kidney. And surgically remove the Stag-horn calcification in the left kidney. One is an outpatient procedure. And the latter is inpatient.
When I arrived at the stint appointment, I asked the physicians assistant if this procedure was painful? The reply was "all pain is relative". So I said "relative to having a sledge hammer dropped on your bare toes, where does this pain lay?" He told me that he had done approximately 90,000 of these procedures. And the vast majority only experienced slight discomfort. So I said lets get started. He came at me with a device about the size of a pool cue in diameter. He was going to slide that up my urethra and into my kidney, and place the stint. This was a new pain experience. It was isotropic (seemingly originating from all directions at once). And on a scale of 1-10, this was a 40. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. Even when I'm not jagged up on narcotics. But this was like having a little person inside my stomach, lighting matches.
I screamed. I screAMED, and I SCREAMED. I was watching the clock and at minute 13, the doctor said "Why don't you try cussing?"I was surprised. In all my life no one had ever asked to hear me swear like a drunken sailor on shore leave. So I glared at him with a puzzled look in my eyes. And he said yes, really! Try it.
If this had been a thumb strike with a hammer, or stubbed toe in the dark I was sure to have had many things to say about the hammer's or the coffee table's illegitimate ancestry. But when ever I opened my mouth to unleash a string of blue profanities. All that came out was "Oh sweet Jesus. Mercy please. Mercy and relief."
After several repeats, I bit my tongue and tried again and this time it was finally different. This time I screamed as loud and as hard as I could and said. "Dear God please take this away from me. But your will not mine. Please." I tried to cuss. I wanted to cuss. But for the first time I was at a loss for colorful language.
This pleading continued for another 35 minutes and then was done. I was exhausted. But the pain was gone and I dreamed no dreams that night. Two days later I went to the OR to have the massive calcium build up in the left side kidney removed. A few hours later, I was back in my room. Pain was on the threshold of bearable. And after a days rest I returned home again.
Four weeks later I was having pain similar to the pain that started the whole situation off a few weeks earlier. A sonogram showed kidney stone in both kidneys again. But this time they were small enough to pass on their own. But what on the sparkling pacific could cause kidney stones o form so fast? I drink at least 10 glasses of water everyday. Or 10 glasses of liquid everyday. OK a 2 litre bottle of Diet Mountain Dew every day. Doctor H recommended stopping the DEW. I agreed to cut back. And a week later I passed my first stone. The next day and upto today I don't do the DEW. I never was a coffee drinker. A serious standout for a senior enlisted man onboared ship where free coffee is available 24/7. I can't stand the taste. If it tasted like it smelled, I would have been all over it.
I have no medical facts to support the DEW; Kidney Stone connection. But I have had no new stones since quitting. I get occasional no-caffeine headaches. But that's a pretty good trade over kidney pain...
Next time:
ARE YOU EXPERIENCED.