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AMERICA
ONE NATION UNDER GOD!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Some Fun On FRIDAY

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog Crap!"

Then I would say,"It is dog crap! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used The Big Government Approach: 
Give you something CRAPPY for free, and then make you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

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All Seniors Aren't Senile !


A white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000
ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know
you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he
said..
On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that
account."
 "I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

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HEAVEN OR HELL

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by  a truck and dies.
  His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

 "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems  there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,  you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

 "No problem, just let me in," says the man.

 "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do  is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you  can choose where to spend eternity."

 "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the  senator.

 "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

 And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes  down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself  in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse  and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians  who had worked with him.

 Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,  shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people

 They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar  and champagne.

 Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who  has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a  good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go

 Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

 The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven  where St. Peter is waiting for him.

 "Now it's time to visit heaven."

 So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a  good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
 Peter returns.

 "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now  choose your eternity."

 The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would  never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

 So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

 Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

 He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

 The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.  What happened?"

 The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning..."


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YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK 

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.
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SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County  

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property..  You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:    

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.  Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.  We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.  All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.  Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.  We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.  Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.  

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
 
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Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

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Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County  

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 08/17/09 has been handed to me to respond to.  I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania . 

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.  While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." 

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic..


           
These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking.   As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?   

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.  

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several concerns.  My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation?  The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.  The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.   In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.   

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.  

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream.  They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.  If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).  

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area..  It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods.  I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!  

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU, 

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
 

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12 comments:

Christiejolu said...

HAHAHAHA! I loved the first one but the one with the old guy was pretty funny too....

Alice in Wonderland said...

LOL, I've heard the second one before, but they still made me laugh!

Big hugs!

Heart2Heart said...

Kurt,

Honestly tell us how you feel??

These completely made my day as I shared them out loud to Steve. Thanks for the smiles we always are in desperate need of and as always can count on you to lighten the day.

Love and Hugs ~ Kat

Heff said...

Really enjoyed the DAM story !

Red Shoes said...

I knew I could rely on you... great stories and jokes... just what is needed this week!

Thank you so much for your wonderful comments concerning the passing of my friend... I appreciate that so much!

Jim

Kimberly said...

TGIF!!!

Ms. Anthropy said...

Got a good chuckle out of these, again! Thanks!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

hehehe. I read a few and laughed. I will be bacak to finish the rest of em...

I have to tell the one with the senior man. :)

later sweetie. xxx

red.neck chic said...

Oh my gosh - I'm laughing so hard I have tears streaming...

THANK YOU FOR THAT!!!!!

You are FANTASTIC!!! Have a great week-end!!!

xoxoxo
robelyn

Kelly Combs said...

I loved this Kurt. Thanks for the laugh!!

Marnie said...

Little Johnny is the best :0)))))) Thanks for the giggle.

Gigi said...

Tooo funny! Thanks for making me laugh today!