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AMERICA
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Sunday, February 14, 2010

Just another day in paradise..

Here in SoCal (Southern California) the weather has been just grand for the past few weeks. And particularly nice yesterday. It was 78°, with a light breeze out of the east. The sky was tall and blue. Not Carolina Blue. But The Carolinas didn't see much blue yesterday anyway. So in light of the beautiful day The Lord had made for me, I went out on the front porch to soak up some much needed vitamin D.  Yes, my house in the Gay People's Republic of California, has a genuine old fashion front porch, with a rail and a roof. My house is at the top of a hill that overlooks the small town I now call home. I have great neighbors. Wonderful people who mind their business and let me mind mine. We help each other when there is need. And we gather on the sidewalk to debate the issues of the day.
Well there I was. Sitting on the porch. Head tilted slightly toward the sun, eyes closed, hearing the birds chirping, without listening to them. Drifting into that place I go when all is right with my mind. It's a dark, warm, safe place. You wouldn't like it. Nobody who has ever visited my special place has liked it. That's OK! I don't like company in there anyway. There be monsters in thar! Little gray squirrels, juggling meat cleavers. Shiny meat cleavers. Sharp, shiny meat cleavers. Black handled, sharp, shiny meat cleavers. Icy cold, black handled, sharp, shiny...
"Hey! How's it going Dude?"
Okay I watch squirrels juggle in my mind. But they don't talk. Especially to me. So I opened my eyes and before me stands a man. Approximately 30 years old and 20 pounds over the ideal weight for his average height. His name is Gary. He made his millions as an employee at Qualcomm back in the late nineties. And now he's retired and collects and restores 60s and 70s muscle cars. He lives a few doors down the street from me. And now he's standing on my porch. And he's waiting for and answer to his question. Normally I'd say something folksy like "Finer than Frog's hair." or "Smoother Than Turtle Fur." But I was still watching the cleavers hit the deck and I shot back my standard response to such an inquiry:
"Just another day in paradise. What can I do for you?"
Gary is one of those rare individuals. Born, raised, educated, employed and now retired in San Diego. Intelligent. But in a school book kind of way. He considers himself well traveled because he goes to Baja on fishing trips. Despite the fact that his chartered boat leaves and returns from a marina in San Diego, and never goes into port in Mexico.
"I was watching an old movie last night and I had a question about it." Great! Here comes the Old Guy Jokes!
"What do you want to know, Gary?" I was setting up the gag and playing the straight man to his routine.
"Well, I was watching 'Deliverance' and I wanted to know a little bit about what was going on in that movie. I know you're from the South, so I was wondering if you could tell me what those 'Redneck Hillbillies' were doing with those city boys?"
"Really?" I asked. "You're a grown, educated, modern man and you never saw people do that before?"
":Well not really!" he smirked.
This kid was asking for it. And he came to the right place to get it. I have been in fist fight on every continent on this planet. This youngster's farthest venture away from his home was a few trips to Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farm. And I'm the hick!!!
"Are you positive you don't know what they were doing?" I didn't want to educate this child if I didn't have to. I cocked my head to one side like a puppy, and glared at him. If looks could kill he'd be grabbing his crotch and rolling on the floor.
"Not a clue." was his remark.
So I told him straight out. Like yanking a band-aid off to get it over with fast.
"They were playing a banjo."
Have a Great Valentine's Day,Y'all!!!
_____________________________________

11 comments:

Karen said...

You're a regular riot :-)

So, post some pics of the view from your porch... I'de like to know more about the suburbs of Southern Cal. One thing I do miss about where I grew up is having neighbors close enough to chat with while sitting on the stoop.

Ms. Anthropy said...

I don't think I have seen Deliverance, since it came out. That movie was downright scary... and there are real people out there like that, you know... scary. Plus, I'm not a good picker!

Middle Aged Woman Blogging said...

And, Happy Valentine's Day to you, too! I would love to be back in Southern Cal this very minute! The sun, the great weather, the farmer's markets... Wonderful place to live!

My ADHD Me said...

Maybe that's why they call it DUELING Banjos....

Blasé said...

About a half dozen Tar Heel responses immediately came to my mind for this Yankee who obviously needs to find a hobby of some sort...

I watched Deliverance yesterday, along with An Officer and a Gentlemen. If the "city boys" hadn't been so blame stupid, they would never have been told to 'squeal like a pig'..nor been given accolades about their pretty mouth.

I just went to pick up some prescription Vitamin D a couple of hours ago. My recent blood work was good except for V-D and my good cholesterol. I suspect walking and/or playing the Banjo will get my good cholesterol back on track...

Edie said...

I've never seen Deliverance but I strongly suspect "playing banjos" is an incorrect answer. :D

You are mentioned on my highly controversial, Rich Gifts blog today. Don't worry, it's safe to proceed. Just leave the banjo at home please. :)

BamaTrav said...

Hahahahaha!! Yeah, we-uns from da south duz likes to play dem banjo's, don't mind a fiddle or two down by the campfire on the river either, along with da moonshine, and Shelly Jo, she mine.

Christiejolu said...

I don't think I've ever seen Deliverance. Now I am curious!

sounds like Cali is getting better weather than us here in AZ! We were barely 70 yesterday!

Heart2Heart said...

Kurt,

It's hard to believe all this sunshine and warm temps are supposed to signal for us that we are in winter? Go figure!

As for me, I was hoping for much longer periods of rain, real rain, the kind that makes you question whether you should venture out of your home or not. Think we'll get any of those?

Love your answer by the way, did you ever get back to the squirrels?

Please make sure to stop by my blog today to enter a great giveaway.

Love and Hugs ~ Kat

Dutch donut girl said...

My neighbors play the banjo really well.
Meat cleavers, huh? You are one dangerous man! :)

Kelly Combs said...

That movie scares me, and not because of banjo playing.