Here in SoCal (Southern California) the weather has been just grand for the past few weeks. And particularly nice yesterday. It was 78°, with a light breeze out of the east. The sky was tall and blue. Not Carolina Blue. But The Carolinas didn't see much blue yesterday anyway. So in light of the beautiful day The Lord had made for me, I went out on the front porch to soak up some much needed vitamin D. Yes, my house in the Gay People's Republic of California, has a genuine old fashion front porch, with a rail and a roof. My house is at the top of a hill that overlooks the small town I now call home. I have great neighbors. Wonderful people who mind their business and let me mind mine. We help each other when there is need. And we gather on the sidewalk to debate the issues of the day.
Well there I was. Sitting on the porch. Head tilted slightly toward the sun, eyes closed, hearing the birds chirping, without listening to them. Drifting into that place I go when all is right with my mind. It's a dark, warm, safe place. You wouldn't like it. Nobody who has ever visited my special place has liked it. That's OK! I don't like company in there anyway. There be monsters in thar! Little gray squirrels, juggling meat cleavers. Shiny meat cleavers. Sharp, shiny meat cleavers. Black handled, sharp, shiny meat cleavers. Icy cold, black handled, sharp, shiny...
"Hey! How's it going Dude?"
Okay I watch squirrels juggle in my mind. But they don't talk. Especially to me. So I opened my eyes and before me stands a man. Approximately 30 years old and 20 pounds over the ideal weight for his average height. His name is Gary. He made his millions as an employee at Qualcomm back in the late nineties. And now he's retired and collects and restores 60s and 70s muscle cars. He lives a few doors down the street from me. And now he's standing on my porch. And he's waiting for and answer to his question. Normally I'd say something folksy like "Finer than Frog's hair." or "Smoother Than Turtle Fur." But I was still watching the cleavers hit the deck and I shot back my standard response to such an inquiry:
"Just another day in paradise. What can I do for you?"
Gary is one of those rare individuals. Born, raised, educated, employed and now retired in San Diego. Intelligent. But in a school book kind of way. He considers himself well traveled because he goes to Baja on fishing trips. Despite the fact that his chartered boat leaves and returns from a marina in San Diego, and never goes into port in Mexico.
"I was watching an old movie last night and I had a question about it." Great! Here comes the Old Guy Jokes!
"What do you want to know, Gary?" I was setting up the gag and playing the straight man to his routine.
"Well, I was watching 'Deliverance' and I wanted to know a little bit about what was going on in that movie. I know you're from the South, so I was wondering if you could tell me what those 'Redneck Hillbillies' were doing with those city boys?"
"Really?" I asked. "You're a grown, educated, modern man and you never saw people do that before?"
":Well not really!" he smirked.
This kid was asking for it. And he came to the right place to get it. I have been in fist fight on every continent on this planet. This youngster's farthest venture away from his home was a few trips to Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farm. And I'm the hick!!!
"Are you positive you don't know what they were doing?" I didn't want to educate this child if I didn't have to. I cocked my head to one side like a puppy, and glared at him. If looks could kill he'd be grabbing his crotch and rolling on the floor.
"Not a clue." was his remark.
So I told him straight out. Like yanking a band-aid off to get it over with fast.
"They were playing a banjo."
Have a Great Valentine's Day,Y'all!!!
_____________________________________
AMERICA
ONE NATION UNDER GOD!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
GAL-ENTINE'S DAY
Firstly:Women bloggers outnumber the male bloggers by 20-1 at least. That's not a bad thing. Just an observation.
And secondly: Valentine's Day is a big deal to most of you. I have read so many women's stories of disappointment and despair over getting the wrong gift, or worse, no gift on Valentine's Day! Some want flowers and poetry. Others hate flowers, or flowers of a certain type or color. Candy, chocolate in particular, seems a safe bet. Yet some of you get your back up, and ask: "Is he trying to get me fat?" Well how about silver and gold? Diamonds or zircons? Rubies or emeralds? What price do you place on your love? I thought Valentine's Day was a childhood thing. Like Halloween, after a certain age, you weren't supposed to play any more. And I was glad of it! I loathed Valentine's day as a boy. I never got so much as a single card. Even in school I was the only kid who got no cards.
I was an ugly kid! My mother took me everywhere she went. Just so she wouldn't have to kiss me good-bye. I wore a ham-hock on a string around my neck, just to get the puppies to play with me. When my mother took me to the beach, people would ask her "What were you using for bait?" One time at the Zoo, the keepers pointed at me and said "That's why Tigers eat their young." My sister keeps the photos that came with the frame and tells everyone "That's my brother!" And when my teen years began I blossomed from an ugly duckling into a Turkey buzzard. Every autumn when the County Fair came to town I got a job as"The Monkey-Boy." I didn't wear a costume. At Thanksgiving I sat at a separate table, in the garage! And on Halloween I got lots of candy. And I didn't have to go up to the door. People would shoot the candies to me with a slingshot. Kraft Caramels weren't so bad. But the jawbreakers hurt.
But I didn't let it turn me against women. I just wish we could all remember the real reason behind Valentine's day. To commemorate the birth of Saint Valentine!
Friday, February 12, 2010
MOMMA'S. DON'T LET YOUR BIKERS GROW UP TO BE BABIES.
First things first. This particular post was inspired by Kimberly At: Got Blog?
But don't blame her if you don't like where I have taken this...
Today's children have become and sorry bunch. Well it didn't just happen, like some magic spell cast upon the youth of America. Nor was it an accident or a vast conspiracy. But it started back in the generation that I came from. And it has culminated in the children of today. What do you give your children as a gift? Computers? Cell-phones? Nintendos? IPods? XBox 360? Play Station PSP? Art Supplies? Even if you go out on a limb and give a really dangerous gift like a skateboard or a bicycle, you have to include a helmet and elbow pads. And it has gotten so bad it's against the law in most states to ride a bike without a helmet. And give a kid a car ride without a five point restraint system and they post pictures of you in the Daily News and brand you a BAD MOTHER. In my day BAD MOTHER had a completely different meaning. When I was 5 my father used to let me stand on his lap and steer the car. Try that today and you'll be prosecuted for Child Endangerment. Mel Gibson was chastised for showing Children with guns in his movie "The Patriot." I have owned guns since I was 6. But today I can't give my daughter a gun for any reason until some MOTHER in The Government Approves first. There's a lot of MOTHERS out there minding your business. And they have turned your children into a mass of Namby Pamby, Skillet licking, pablum gagging, computer literate, weenies. And try to convince me that you first reaction if you saw a child untethered in the back of a car, that your first reaction isn't to be a MOTHER and call the cops to report a rogue citizen raising a free spirit.
Think back to your childhood. Did you have a car-seat with at least a 3 point restraint system? NO! Did your mom's car have Air-bags (Besides the one she married)? NO! Did she suit you up in crash gear before you rode a Bicycle? NO! Did she only give you crayons with a warning not to eat them? NO? Did anything have a warning label on it? NO! Did she love you? YES!
Let me tell you some of the Toys I got from my mom and grand-mom as a child. A BB Gun. A .22 rifle. A Junior Scientist Chemistry set. A Microscope with glass slides and dissection tools and dye stains. A 300 watt wood-burning tool. An Erector Set. An Electric Slot car and race track. A set of Lawn Darts.
I played Little League Baseball and I wore a helmet. But we kept score. There were winners and losers at every game. And we learned the agony of defeat and the thrill of victory. Your children watch Sesame Street and Barney The Dinosaur! We watched The Three Stooges and Bullwinkle! We had Barbie and G.I. Joe. Your kids have Teddy Ruxpin and Cabbage Patch Dolls. We had BB guns. Your kids have NERF guns. We had steel Horseshoes. Your kids have plastic Horseshoes.
In school I wrote essays of Haunted Houses and Headless Zombies. I got A's in English. I doodled pictures of sword fights and Airplanes shooting other Airplanes and guns with tongues of fire coming from the muzzle. No one cared. If a child draws a gun today, he gets expelled and sent for a psych eval! I had a psych eval. But not until I was grown and was being considered for a position on a Nuclear Weapons Security Team. I never heard what the results of the Evaluation were. But I sat at the Launch Control Panel for 21 years. So I must have passed.
I said earlier that Moms started being MOTHERS back in my generation. While I was eight and watching The Stooges, my mom told me the paper had a story of a boy who had hit his brother on the head with a hammer. And when the parents asked "Why?" He told them he had seen it on the The Three Stooges. My mom asked what I thought about that? I told her "That kid must be a retard!" Right now MOTHERS all over the world just clutched their chest because I used the "R" word. OH! How Insensitive! Well what else would you call a kid who thought it was OK to hit someone in the head with a hammer? RETARD pretty much fits. But in actuality the story belonged to the new genre of BS known now as URBAN LEGENDS.
Nosy MOTHERS Are still spreading these Tales of woe. A few years ago a MOTHER told how her 5 year old son burned down the house after watching BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD. My fist thought was Why in the wide world of sports was a 5year old watching Beavis and Butthead? I was almost there. I was turning into a real MOTHER. But I found the truth a couple days later when CNN reported that the homeless MOTHER had lied. She didn't even have a cable connection, so her home was incapable of seeing anything on MTV. Her kid was a PYRO. But someone else must be to blame.
I have a niece who has four beautiful children ranging in age from 1-9. Her husband and she are both successful college educated Corporate Lawyers. And their children are quiet, well mannered and dressed neatly and clean. Yet whenever she goes out with the youngsters in tow, NOSY MOTHERS ask questions like: "Are you Catholic?" "Are you Mormons?" "Can't you figure out what causes them?" None of those things are true, and She finds it quite distressing. I suggested she get matching Tee Shirts that say: "My parents are married and not on welfare. So mind your own business." Or "Call MY UNCLE KURT! HE"LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU."
So while I have, and continue to tell you Teach Your Children Well. Be their MOM. Or be a MOTHER. But don't try to MOTHER everyone else's children. Hillary Clinton is wrong. It does not take a village to raise a child. I could be wrong. What do you think? Do you think?
But don't blame her if you don't like where I have taken this...
Today's children have become and sorry bunch. Well it didn't just happen, like some magic spell cast upon the youth of America. Nor was it an accident or a vast conspiracy. But it started back in the generation that I came from. And it has culminated in the children of today. What do you give your children as a gift? Computers? Cell-phones? Nintendos? IPods? XBox 360? Play Station PSP? Art Supplies? Even if you go out on a limb and give a really dangerous gift like a skateboard or a bicycle, you have to include a helmet and elbow pads. And it has gotten so bad it's against the law in most states to ride a bike without a helmet. And give a kid a car ride without a five point restraint system and they post pictures of you in the Daily News and brand you a BAD MOTHER. In my day BAD MOTHER had a completely different meaning. When I was 5 my father used to let me stand on his lap and steer the car. Try that today and you'll be prosecuted for Child Endangerment. Mel Gibson was chastised for showing Children with guns in his movie "The Patriot." I have owned guns since I was 6. But today I can't give my daughter a gun for any reason until some MOTHER in The Government Approves first. There's a lot of MOTHERS out there minding your business. And they have turned your children into a mass of Namby Pamby, Skillet licking, pablum gagging, computer literate, weenies. And try to convince me that you first reaction if you saw a child untethered in the back of a car, that your first reaction isn't to be a MOTHER and call the cops to report a rogue citizen raising a free spirit.
Think back to your childhood. Did you have a car-seat with at least a 3 point restraint system? NO! Did your mom's car have Air-bags (Besides the one she married)? NO! Did she suit you up in crash gear before you rode a Bicycle? NO! Did she only give you crayons with a warning not to eat them? NO? Did anything have a warning label on it? NO! Did she love you? YES!
Let me tell you some of the Toys I got from my mom and grand-mom as a child. A BB Gun. A .22 rifle. A Junior Scientist Chemistry set. A Microscope with glass slides and dissection tools and dye stains. A 300 watt wood-burning tool. An Erector Set. An Electric Slot car and race track. A set of Lawn Darts.
I played Little League Baseball and I wore a helmet. But we kept score. There were winners and losers at every game. And we learned the agony of defeat and the thrill of victory. Your children watch Sesame Street and Barney The Dinosaur! We watched The Three Stooges and Bullwinkle! We had Barbie and G.I. Joe. Your kids have Teddy Ruxpin and Cabbage Patch Dolls. We had BB guns. Your kids have NERF guns. We had steel Horseshoes. Your kids have plastic Horseshoes.
In school I wrote essays of Haunted Houses and Headless Zombies. I got A's in English. I doodled pictures of sword fights and Airplanes shooting other Airplanes and guns with tongues of fire coming from the muzzle. No one cared. If a child draws a gun today, he gets expelled and sent for a psych eval! I had a psych eval. But not until I was grown and was being considered for a position on a Nuclear Weapons Security Team. I never heard what the results of the Evaluation were. But I sat at the Launch Control Panel for 21 years. So I must have passed.
I said earlier that Moms started being MOTHERS back in my generation. While I was eight and watching The Stooges, my mom told me the paper had a story of a boy who had hit his brother on the head with a hammer. And when the parents asked "Why?" He told them he had seen it on the The Three Stooges. My mom asked what I thought about that? I told her "That kid must be a retard!" Right now MOTHERS all over the world just clutched their chest because I used the "R" word. OH! How Insensitive! Well what else would you call a kid who thought it was OK to hit someone in the head with a hammer? RETARD pretty much fits. But in actuality the story belonged to the new genre of BS known now as URBAN LEGENDS.
Nosy MOTHERS Are still spreading these Tales of woe. A few years ago a MOTHER told how her 5 year old son burned down the house after watching BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD. My fist thought was Why in the wide world of sports was a 5year old watching Beavis and Butthead? I was almost there. I was turning into a real MOTHER. But I found the truth a couple days later when CNN reported that the homeless MOTHER had lied. She didn't even have a cable connection, so her home was incapable of seeing anything on MTV. Her kid was a PYRO. But someone else must be to blame.
I have a niece who has four beautiful children ranging in age from 1-9. Her husband and she are both successful college educated Corporate Lawyers. And their children are quiet, well mannered and dressed neatly and clean. Yet whenever she goes out with the youngsters in tow, NOSY MOTHERS ask questions like: "Are you Catholic?" "Are you Mormons?" "Can't you figure out what causes them?" None of those things are true, and She finds it quite distressing. I suggested she get matching Tee Shirts that say: "My parents are married and not on welfare. So mind your own business." Or "Call MY UNCLE KURT! HE"LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU."
So while I have, and continue to tell you Teach Your Children Well. Be their MOM. Or be a MOTHER. But don't try to MOTHER everyone else's children. Hillary Clinton is wrong. It does not take a village to raise a child. I could be wrong. What do you think? Do you think?
Thursday, February 11, 2010
OH CANADA!
America: The Good Neighbor
This is from a Canadian newspaper.
Widespread but only partial news coverage was given recently to a remarkable editorial broadcast from Toronto by Gordon Sinclair, a Canadian television commentator. What follows is the full text of his trenchant remarks as printed in the Congressional Record:
"This Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as the most generous and possibly the least appreciated people on all the earth. Germany, Japan and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy were lifted out of the debris of war by the Americans who poured in billions of dollars and forgave other billions in debts. None of these countries is today paying even the interest on its remaining debts to the United States.
When France was in danger of collapsing in 1956, it was the Americans who propped it up, and their reward was to be insulted and swindled on the streets of Paris. I was there. I saw it. When earthquakes hit distant cities, it is the United States that hurries in to help. This spring, 59 American communities were flattened by tornadoes. Nobody helped. The Marshall Plan and the Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars into discouraged countries. Now newspapers in those countries are writing about the decadent, warmongering Americans. I'd like to see just one of those countries that is gloating over the erosion of the United States dollar build its own airplane. Does any other country in the world have a plane to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet, the Lockheed Tri-Star, or the Douglas DC10? If so, why don't they fly them?
Why do all the International lines except Russia fly American Planes? Why does no other land on earth even consider putting a man or woman on the moon? You talk about Japanese technocracy, and you get radios. You talk about German technocracy, and you get automobiles. You talk about American technocracy, and you find men on the moon not once, but several times -- and safely home again. You talk about scandals, and the Americans put theirs right in the store window for everybody to look at. Even their draft-dodgers are not pursued and hounded. They are here on our streets, and most of them, unless they are breaking Canadian laws, are getting American dollars from ma and pa at home to spend here.
When the railways of France, Germany and India were breaking down through age, it was the Americans who rebuilt them. When the Pennsylvania Railroad and the New York Central went broke, nobody loaned them an old caboose. Both are still broke. I can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of other people in trouble. Can you name me even one time when someone else raced to the Americans in trouble? I don't think there was outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake.
Our neighbors have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damned tired of hearing them get kicked around. They will come out of this thing with their flag high. And when they do, they are entitled to thumb their nose at the lands that are gloating over their present troubles. I hope Canada is not one of those,"Stand proud, America!
This is from a Canadian newspaper.
Widespread but only partial news coverage was given recently to a remarkable editorial broadcast from Toronto by Gordon Sinclair, a Canadian television commentator. What follows is the full text of his trenchant remarks as printed in the Congressional Record:
"This Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as the most generous and possibly the least appreciated people on all the earth. Germany, Japan and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy were lifted out of the debris of war by the Americans who poured in billions of dollars and forgave other billions in debts. None of these countries is today paying even the interest on its remaining debts to the United States.
When France was in danger of collapsing in 1956, it was the Americans who propped it up, and their reward was to be insulted and swindled on the streets of Paris. I was there. I saw it. When earthquakes hit distant cities, it is the United States that hurries in to help. This spring, 59 American communities were flattened by tornadoes. Nobody helped. The Marshall Plan and the Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars into discouraged countries. Now newspapers in those countries are writing about the decadent, warmongering Americans. I'd like to see just one of those countries that is gloating over the erosion of the United States dollar build its own airplane. Does any other country in the world have a plane to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet, the Lockheed Tri-Star, or the Douglas DC10? If so, why don't they fly them?
Why do all the International lines except Russia fly American Planes? Why does no other land on earth even consider putting a man or woman on the moon? You talk about Japanese technocracy, and you get radios. You talk about German technocracy, and you get automobiles. You talk about American technocracy, and you find men on the moon not once, but several times -- and safely home again. You talk about scandals, and the Americans put theirs right in the store window for everybody to look at. Even their draft-dodgers are not pursued and hounded. They are here on our streets, and most of them, unless they are breaking Canadian laws, are getting American dollars from ma and pa at home to spend here.
When the railways of France, Germany and India were breaking down through age, it was the Americans who rebuilt them. When the Pennsylvania Railroad and the New York Central went broke, nobody loaned them an old caboose. Both are still broke. I can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of other people in trouble. Can you name me even one time when someone else raced to the Americans in trouble? I don't think there was outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake.
Our neighbors have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damned tired of hearing them get kicked around. They will come out of this thing with their flag high. And when they do, they are entitled to thumb their nose at the lands that are gloating over their present troubles. I hope Canada is not one of those,"Stand proud, America!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
PATRIOTS ROCK
There is a huge rock near a gravel pit on Hwy.25 in rural Iowa ..
For generations, kids have painted slogans, names, and obscenities on this rock, changing its character many times. A few months back, the rock received its latest paint job, and since then it has been left completely undisturbed.
This last photo is of my favorite Graffiti Artist RAY "BUBBA" SORENSEN...
For generations, kids have painted slogans, names, and obscenities on this rock, changing its character many times. A few months back, the rock received its latest paint job, and since then it has been left completely undisturbed.
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