Happy St. Patrick's Day

A Scotsman, a Canadian and an Irishman were sitting in an English pub, discussing  who's  nationality had   the  more hospitable drinking establishments. The Canadian gentleman said "in my pub in Ontario every fifth beer is on the house."

The other two gentlemen nodded in agreement and the Scotsman chimed in "back home in Edinburgh, whenever you walk into the bar everybody greets you by name, and every third beer is free!"

The Irishman smiled and said to his new friends, "back home in Dublin, when you walk in the bar and everyone comes up and gives you a big hug and a kiss, all your beers are free. And after  They get you  drunk, they take you upstairs and you get free sex all night long!"

The Canadian in the Scotsman looked dumbfounded. "That is mighty hospitable indeed. Does that happen to you every time you go in there?"

"Oh no, never to me! But it does for my sister!"

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There was a Texas rancher doing agricultural consulting work for farmer in Ireland. He asked the farmer about the size of this property to which the farmer replied "About a mile square."

when the Irishman asked the Texan about the size of his ranch, the rancher explained that if he got in his pickup truck at dawn and drove until sunset he would still be on his ranch. Not to be outdone, the farmer replied, "I used to have an old truck like that!"

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A group of Americans was touring Ireland.
One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible.
It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said.
"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
"We have some other boring tour to go on.
So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

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Gardening made easy!
An old man living alone in South Armagh,
whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison,
didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes.
So he wrote to his son about his predicament.
The son sent the reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE,
don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried
the guns!!!!!"
At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers
turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours,
but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him
what had happened, asking him what he should do now?
The son sent the reply: "NOW plant the potatoes!"

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When Clinton visited the Pope, he noticed a red
phone on a small table in the corner of the office.

After several minutes of conversation, Clinton asked
the Pope what the red phone was.

The Holy Father told him that it was a very special
phone with a direct line to God. However, the Pope
told Clinton he rarely used it because it cost
$20,000 a minute from the Vatican.

Clinton accepted this explanation without another thought.

Later, when Clinton visited Ireland, he saw another
red phone in the Archbishop’s office. Being curious,
Clinton asked the Archbishop what it was used for.

The Archbishop told Clinton it was a direct line to God,
and he used it whenever he had a puzzling question or concern.

Clinton asked if the calls were quite expensive since
the Pope had to pay $20,000 a minute when he used
his red phone in the Vatican.

"Oh no," replied the Archbishop, "In Ireland it’s a local call."

 

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An Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released  me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head,  then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and  produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"

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Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!".
A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house.  Mike layed down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what  I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house.
Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and begorah there must be somebody sick in there."

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